Canada
::"'Ey Nickeel, how 'bout we have a seat on my chesterfield and watch some hockey, eh? We can eat poutine afterwards, don'cha know. Oh, you need a serviette... there, Bob's your uncle." :::—The Average Canadian Canada, or Greenland's Mexico, also known as America's Canada, is a dangerous country full of bears and French-Canadians. The country was once under the rule of liberals, but thanks to Stephen Colbert's brave activism, the Canadian people wisely elected Stephen Harper as their first-ever conservative Governor. The irony is that this is very un-American to freely elect a leader, as everyone knows that Americans don't vote, AND all the American elections are rigged. While thought to be a peaceable country, Canada is actually an inwardly seething nation quietly planning an appropriate way towards world domination. There's only so many "eh", "igloo" and "hoser" jokes one can take. Plus, the weather sucks in Canada, and it's all America's fault. Using their bountiful supply of bears, beavers, and angry hockey players, their plan is to sneak upon the nation of America in the middle of the night and subsequenty claim ownership. Once claimed, America will be renamed "Canada's Mexico" and Sloan music videos will be played 24/7. Canadians may decide to exile all republicans to forced-labour death camps in the Yukon (along with the french). Jean Chrétien was Prime President of Canada for a really long time. The highlights of his career were when he choked a reporter and when he had a pie thrown in his face with the words "Pie Minister" written on it. He is paralized in half his face, which made for hilarious impressions of him on CBC's two political skit comedy shows, 'This Hour has 22 Minutes' and 'Royal Canadian Air Farce'. Canadians are ruthlessly insensetive to people with disabilities. Chretien is also credited with popularizing the language 'Frenglish'' (a combination of French and English which is incomprehensible to anyone of either tongue.) He was disgraced for his role in the "sponsorship scandal" but he got out of it by saying "Eh, it's ok. At least je suis not being spending much as G.W." Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada is home to the hardcore punk band, DOA. DOA are very unamerican. They have a song called 'Fucked Up Reagan' and an alternate version called 'Fucked Up Bush', along with many anti-war and anti-industrialism songs, not to mention, they're not from America. They also have a song called 'America the Beautiful' which includes these lyrics: ''Lock your doors, lock it tight It's the new immoral right They wanna cleanse the home of the brave For the master race of the USA This group alone warrents an immediate invasion of Canada. Which would spell bad news for America, as they can't invade a country to save their own pitiful lives. No Canadians have ever died as a direct result of Socialized medicine. Socialism works. Economy Canada has a better economy than the United States. Yes, it's true. They have more money and jobs and a better film industry than Hollywood and all Canadians are rich because there are no poor people in Canada. Education Canada has the best education system in the world, even better than America. Crimes Against Humanity *Inserting extra unnecessary letters, specifically O and U, into words where they don't belong. *Intentionally mispronouncing words such as: about, house, out, against, and sorry. They do this because only other Canadians can understand a thing they talk "aboot". They show the rest of the world that they don't need to speak American. *They invaded the United States during the War of 1812. The Canadians (not the French) burned down half of the White House, which subsequently had to be repainted. In reality, the Americans hid their shame by pretending it didn't happen with the magic of wikiality. *Home and sanctuary to many bears including the vile polar grizzly. Like Lebanon, Canada serves as a safe haven from which Bears, like Hezbollah, can attack at will into America and wreak havoc on our northern states, such as Washington, Idaho, and North Dakota. Bears are allowed to roam freely on the streets of Canadian cities, and the town of Victoria, British Colombia has even erected monuments to these "Bearorists." *Plays home to French-Canadians, Nickelback, Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, and half of Keanu Reeves *Has "Free" health care (sneaky Canadians) *Had a PM (Prime Minister) named Jean Chretien *Invented curling *Sent humanitarian aid to New Orleans after Katrina *Didn't force Robbie Robertson to go home, against the wishes of the UN *Compresses the USA down into a less magnificent size with the gigantic weight of their ice and politeness, all to claim that THEY are the second largest country in the world. Bastards. *Do not support American troops....because they are draft dodgers and bear petters. *Banned all guns, in favor of less crime. *Measures tempurature in Celsius, instead of the American way, Fahrenheit. *Spawning such heartless killing the machines as the bear, Celine Dion, Curling, and releasing them to reak havok on the US of A. *The claim that ham is their own bacon. *Introducing the world to the backwards talk of the hated french-canadians, who originally coined the word "les biens", referring to their many happy sisters *Following the Geneva Convention and not using torture and illegal wire-tapping to stop terrorists. Activism In theory, this would be a good idea, but there is nothing America can do but hide in fear from the wrath of Canada. Tourism The official statement from the Ministry of Tourism is: "Yes, you stupid Americans! Come here and give us your money!"